Father and I

Father and I
~ Ruth Tan

I see a man living in lonesomeness
There he is
My present yet absent father

Fair-skinned, slender
High-cheekbones, tall-nosed
A good-looker they say

Miso soup, chin-cha-lo
Live clams doused in chilli and lime
Are his all time favourites

Newspapers, antiques
Beer and cigarettes
His lifelong best friends

He keeps his mind away from others
His quietness screams the loudest in the house
He seems to know much, but has no need of sharing a legacy

Many talents but never inspiring
Speaks like a Japanese native
But never enquiring if I could learn the same

Ritually writes my name on my new school textbooks
And crafts his sophisticated-looking signature on my report book
Yet never seems to care how terrible I fare every year

There is no birthday printed on his IC
And I am never curious enough to find out
That’s a whiff of the chasm in our relationship

I see a man dying in lonesomeness
There he is
Still that mysterious figure in my life

Mama & I

Mama & I
~Ruth Tan

Today is Mama’s Birthday
Two decades ago she suddenly left
Though my mind clogs each time her image appears
The memory of a detached me when she was passing on
Still bugs me year after year

My recollection of her is failing me
Everything about her gets fuzzier with the years
I remember her being so close yet so far
Her presence seemed to shout she loved
But her face never shined a drop of care

Growing up was painful and complicated
I needed someone to restrain and hold me back
But she was never there for me
I wished she could see the pathetic me
And I could see the hell she was in

When did animosity start creeping in?
Don’t know but rebellion grew in magnitude and took its toll
I opposed everything she did and said
Until she was left with nothing to say
Oh, she must have hated the monster me

I imagine the day when I go to heaven
What shall I say to her when I meet her there?
I wish I could say like my sisters
That she was my beloved Mum
But sorry it’ll only make me cry

What good is there left to whine?
When all is long gone and over
However much I dream to mend
The smithereens in that part of me
Will never again become a whole